Advice for my 20 year old self
What advice would you have for your 20-year-old self?
I was once asked this on a podcast and my answer was evidently disappointing.
Perhaps perplexing.
I know, I know, the assumption might be that the answer would a mystical, profound or original answer, especially given I’m a coach with a love for musing.
I also assumed I might have some deeply satisfying and intelligent answer.
But I didn’t
Yet what I had was rooted very much in Consensus Reality.
And very much rooted in integrity.
The answer did emerge out of Essence and travel all the way up into the Consensus Reality.
There’s no doubt that if I reach inside more carefully I can find handy sound bites about telling more people to f**k off (Helen Mirren) or to care less about what people thing, or remember I am enough as I am or build a network or start a spiritual practice or learn how to manifest (lol).
At this stage in the game I might visit my 20 year old self and love her fiercely and unconditionally then tell her in great detail where she spiralled and what to look out for and to get into therapy really early on - like put aside money for therapy in the way you just put aside money for toothbrushes and toothpaste. But also to appreciate the rich cultural life that was woven from her path. It could have been done adjacent.
I would suggest she find some very very trusted mentors or elders with whom she could fully talk to about her inner life and outer life. The priest might have been good in that regard, but 20 year old Ms Furuya was already on the path of exiting the church.
I might also tell her to be mindful of her partners - boyfriends who were terrific fun but also really a reflection of the spirals she had entered. Yet each of them contributed to the rich culture of that era. Even the most deeply troubled and manipulative of the men in her life taught her much about film, music, popular culture and literature.
Perhaps I’d tell her to implement some practices of solitude and restoration; really really deliberately be in solitude and create practice around that and notice what made her light up and what made her spin out.
I’d tell her to attend every single lecture and soak it all up - do not miss a single lecture. Just go and be there and try your best.
I’d tell her there are reasons you are struggling - real, bonafide reasons and to get as much support as possible. Make different choices maybe. But maybe not. Different choices would not have had her land in the Sexual Health Services for a year and experiencing the challenges of the 90s, the AIDS epidemic and I would never have met Hilary who worked with the working women of Birmingham who recommended the Female Eunuch and set my mind onand visited all the the hospitals and clinics he people in varying states of living with HIV or dying of AIDS. Not seen parents wheeling their sons around in wheelchairs, in the last days of their lives. Not KNOWN this.
I’d tell her to value herself more carefully. To value herself more carefully. To value herself more carefully.
I’d help her to learn the ways - she already had good manners and good etiquette, whe was taught well at home about these matter. BUt there is a game she could have learned more about. She could have used her network to move like a conscious shape-shifter through the layers of life and the law courts; a conscious shape-shifter. But she already refined that to some degree. She’s good. Feet in many worlds.
I’d have told her to take what she was entitled to - to lean into her tutors, to not feel self-conscious or like a burden. Or to be a burden and don’t worry about it - every second you take up of your tutor’s time is fine - they are getting a pay cheque. You are their client. You are as entitled as the next person - you need to shake off that feeling that you are especially dreadful and demanding - that belongs to another life and other people. Another era. A different epoch. This will be a good thing to know and learn and take into the future. Learn and grow. Watch and learn. You are different and will process the information in differing ways.
To tune out the voices that encouraged her to devalue herself because that created some kind of satisfaction for them. People may be trying their best, but they don’t always have your best interests at heart. They may believe or have convinced themselves that they do but they don’t. They have their own stuff and may have been using you as a weak projector. The sooner you truly learn this the better!
I could have had my boyfriend, who I was crazy about, come join me and move into a canal boat with me and I could have completed University and carved out and idyllic life and future together filled with love and optimism and possibility In our own unique way. That is a big stretch in the imagination - I did not have that capability back then. So I’d need to dream it up for myself. I can dream it up. Perhaps that is a creative writing piece. Some characters for my short stories. I love dreaming these people up.
I would keep coming back and advising her, that 20 year old sweet thing, and unplugging from the toxic parts of her life. Not cutting them off but employing one her current favourite phrases “That’s a them-thing; not a me-thing”. And therapy. This version of me will be able to say - OH NO - that’s NOT OK please take care of yourself. AND you are going to need to be responsible.
The chaos was so much fun and so very much of its time; the 90s were an incredible time, it’s hard to imagine a path that would have been more rich and fulfilling. And filled with so much culture and variety. It was living. Peak living. Mobile phones were 5-10 years away.
YET I think it could have been. I could have been savvier, I could have been cleverer and I could have valued myself more. I could have advocated for myself better and used my resourced more intelligently. But I did OK.
I could have quit university after one year and chosen a subject path more suited to my preferences. I could have quit my A-levels half-way through and taken the path that fed into my strengths and preferences. I could have left school and gone to college to do these things and grown up. I could have been braver.
And so can you - reach back into the past and value your young self more and talk carefully and positively to them.
Pull out all the parts that could have done different things and followed different paths - they have information. They have creativity.
Look at our young people now and facilitate their value, their safety and security.
Such musing - yet me answers, and I stand by these answers - I would say them again.
1 - Don’t start smoking
2 - Start saving money
I stand by these two somewhat but not essentially connected pieces of advice.
Simple, straightforward, easy to implement and measurable.
