Bah Humbug?
I don’t want to get my Christmas decorations out.
I will, but I don’t feel like it.
No one’s waiting on them - I don’t say that in a pitying or sad fashion; it’s just that there’s no one jollying me along, encouraging me or motivating me.
DO IT YOURSELF!
I hear you cry.
Or as I once said to a dancer client who was lacking motivation to get a video finished and edited - just do it without motivation. This was revelatory for them.
Well, yes sure - but I also want to share that I am very satisfied with my current state - it’s not that I’m lacking seasonal cheer, happiness or anything else like that - I’m feeling it and have a slight smile all the time. In fact - I am feeling more peace and good will than I ever have.
Peace on earth and good will to all!
Post-menostorm, post-surgery and two years into sweet sobriety, the rewards of the many years of work I have done are manifest. I feel better, look better and am treating myself better than ever.
Perfectionism is beginning to wain - this has been my greatest enemy in so many ways and there are layers and layers to that, which have been carefully and gently, and sometimes violently dealt with. Not all of them, but many of them.
Last night in the Ordinary Magic writing group, our guest Author Meagan Jeannett, who write ‘You Know Her’, a feminist thriller talked about being a baby writer and one of our writers shared a Terry Pratchett book that had been written under a different pen-name and was a selection of short stories before he had become Terry Pratchett, sophisticated fantasy author of worlds. Our resident poet, Carolyn Hashimoto has made it her mission to read many writers first books or short stories or essays. You see, this is a way to work with the perfectionist - to see writer’s first books and then hart their developing voices, sophistication and direction.
Making peace with perfectionism (which is really making peace with the parts of yourself that developed to socially protect you from the wankers around you who wanted to dim your light, or the well meaning people who wanted to protect you from your own dazzle, or the folk who were genuinely competitive with you and actually delight in seeing you shrink or shy away - whether they know it or not. Golly one of my favourite ever things is seeing people know this but getting on with things anyway. I think it might be one of the most popular things to coach around. It takes a very big ego-taming commitment and the will to do things, have to do them again and maybe have them not be absolutely perfect, celebrated and successful) is a hugely peace-generating activity.
So the Christmas decorations - I still don’t feel like getting them out! I will get some Christmas cheer on a trip to Tokyo today and I will let my instinct decide for me when I open the trap door and get the Christmas decorations out from under the floor boards. I do not take for granted experiencing this level of choice and peace. Alongside the empathy, upset and action outside of my, currently comfortable life. Nothing is taken for granted. Decorations. Choice. Peace. Externally. Internally; It feels precarious.
For now, I shall enjoy this tiny peaceful window in time and in my short and lucky life.
With no decorations.
